So I'm about to embark on a career in media and my wise mother told me I've to develop a liking for writing! Now being billed for the media, I thought she was right, so I gave her a Rajdeep Sardesaish smile, sat smartly on a chair, opened my mouth in spectacular fashion (like I'm all set for a huge speech) and said :
"Okay!"
But jokes apart, I am going to be your friendly neighbourhood Indian journalist. I will make a huge noise about politicos and their antics so much so that audience will be left to wonder if the show is an Ekta Kapoor production! I will swear on national television that I can play better cricket than our cricketers and flash my potbelly! I will proclaim Steve Jobs as God everytime he adds an 'i' to common household articles but ridicule him everytime his gadget costs more than my salary! My orders are to bring in enough TRPs so we surge ahead of the Swayamwar series (And if I can't acheive that, I am to appear on Swayamwar!)
Thus, to gain some match practice I bring you today's news!
> Sonia Gandhi belly dances to Waka Waka, says Shakira is her long lost sister!
> Manmohan Singh was unavailable for comment because he was too busy staring :-O
> In other news, Sehwag has sprouted some hair on his head! We suspect Dhoni's haircut had something to do with it!
> Every FIFA World Cup has a theme, looking at the number of on field blunders this year we feel they're paying a tribute to the Indian Judiciary!
> Gaining FRP (Facebook Rating Points) is not as easy as Sid Mallya inheriting his father's empire! So tag everyone you know and help me get a job!
Before I sign off, here's a message from our ambassador Akshay Kumar:
Heh heh heh! He twinkles :P
Friday, November 19, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Of Camels and Boobjobs
I beg of you to leave if you expected some sleaze when you saw the title. There is a reason this is not an 'Adults Only' space.
Now that my disclaimer is done, I intend to begin.
In a time very dissimilar to today lived I. (See, don't confuse I to be yours truly. I is the character created by yours truly that resembles yours truly). So, where was I?
Right, I bathed in sorrow and despair for a while. He looed for hours and slept to forget his troubles. He watched D-Grade Kannada movies and championed noble causes such as playing cricket with kids half his height and quarter his age. And then, I joined the National Academy for Learning.
Like a fish out of water, I disintegrated in his first year in NAFL. Funnily though, the absolute rate of decay of I's cerebral entities seemed slowed, almost delayed. I had come to terms with the existence of another being not unlike himself who relied more on impulse rather than mechanics to live his life.
I and him took to each other like hydrophobic tails cling on to the micelle center. They laughed, chatted, discussed, argued, fought, bunked Edurite, bunked T.I.M.E, criticized, analyzed, summarized and immortalized friendship. Legend has it that him trusted I so much, he gave him his Facebook password. And what did I do? www.facebook.com/boobjobme!
That's that about him. Next comes Camel. I knew Camel before NAFL, but instead of strengthening their relationship here they drifted apart. I regrets that even today. But I had his moments with Camel. I fondly remembers Camel spilling an entire bottle of Chocolate Milk on him, Camel and I loved their fights in the Basketball Court. I and Camel even spoke over the phone now and then. Today Camel turns eighteen. I wonders how Camel made it but is nevertheless very happy for her. Camel is working tirelessly to become a doctor. I has already predicted mysterious deaths for Camel's to-be-victims.
Plenty more characters made memorable cameos during those twenty odd months at NAFL. Yours truly is tired of assigning codenames to each and everyone of them. So I suppose they merely merit mentions: Dooks, Bha, Shaurya, Vaman, Shubi, Sankey, Shash, Cock, Gowda, Nish, Akshu, Pari, Shivanth, Arvind, Ramitha (I's lifelong friend), and others. With y'all, life was easy.
I for once, had dived into oblivion.
I stood in the center of the fifty feet road of 3rd Main Road, 3rd Block, 3rd Stage, Basweshwarnagar unawares as this golden period passed him as quickly as the Sun sets in Time Lapse Photography. And the two years were up.
I knows a massive reunion with everybody wanting to see everybody else is hypothetical. But the mere thought makes him feel good. It fills up the void left by his departure to Symbiland. I today is a happy, content man. He owes it to the annoying Camel and those endless pranks he executed with the reliable Mr B''bjob!
Now that my disclaimer is done, I intend to begin.
In a time very dissimilar to today lived I. (See, don't confuse I to be yours truly. I is the character created by yours truly that resembles yours truly). So, where was I?
Right, I bathed in sorrow and despair for a while. He looed for hours and slept to forget his troubles. He watched D-Grade Kannada movies and championed noble causes such as playing cricket with kids half his height and quarter his age. And then, I joined the National Academy for Learning.
Like a fish out of water, I disintegrated in his first year in NAFL. Funnily though, the absolute rate of decay of I's cerebral entities seemed slowed, almost delayed. I had come to terms with the existence of another being not unlike himself who relied more on impulse rather than mechanics to live his life.
I and him took to each other like hydrophobic tails cling on to the micelle center. They laughed, chatted, discussed, argued, fought, bunked Edurite, bunked T.I.M.E, criticized, analyzed, summarized and immortalized friendship. Legend has it that him trusted I so much, he gave him his Facebook password. And what did I do? www.facebook.com/boobjobme!
That's that about him. Next comes Camel. I knew Camel before NAFL, but instead of strengthening their relationship here they drifted apart. I regrets that even today. But I had his moments with Camel. I fondly remembers Camel spilling an entire bottle of Chocolate Milk on him, Camel and I loved their fights in the Basketball Court. I and Camel even spoke over the phone now and then. Today Camel turns eighteen. I wonders how Camel made it but is nevertheless very happy for her. Camel is working tirelessly to become a doctor. I has already predicted mysterious deaths for Camel's to-be-victims.
Plenty more characters made memorable cameos during those twenty odd months at NAFL. Yours truly is tired of assigning codenames to each and everyone of them. So I suppose they merely merit mentions: Dooks, Bha, Shaurya, Vaman, Shubi, Sankey, Shash, Cock, Gowda, Nish, Akshu, Pari, Shivanth, Arvind, Ramitha (I's lifelong friend), and others. With y'all, life was easy.
I for once, had dived into oblivion.
I stood in the center of the fifty feet road of 3rd Main Road, 3rd Block, 3rd Stage, Basweshwarnagar unawares as this golden period passed him as quickly as the Sun sets in Time Lapse Photography. And the two years were up.
I knows a massive reunion with everybody wanting to see everybody else is hypothetical. But the mere thought makes him feel good. It fills up the void left by his departure to Symbiland. I today is a happy, content man. He owes it to the annoying Camel and those endless pranks he executed with the reliable Mr B''bjob!
Specially dedicated to
Nickhil
and
Tejaswini
(yes you are Camel)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
My name? Rajni - Rajnikanth I SAY!
I'd written this a while back. It was on Facebook, but since I've moved base here, I thought I should export it. It's pretty relevant, now that Ranjnimania seems to have caught us!
Interviewer: Rajni Saar! It's a pleasure! Today everybody in the studios conducted a pooja and drank kheer for your good health!
Rajni: Oh! Very good! Thank you! I too pray for everybody in the studios and for all the viewers watching nationwide (Flashes a smile, salutes).
*Whistles, applause from the crowd*
Interviewer: Saar, your movie is releasing! Your thoughts on that?
Rajni: Yes. It's that time again! When all my fans, that is, my Gods come to give me their blessings (Raises his hands and acknowledges the heavens). I have always wanted to work for the people! That is why, even at sixty, I never tire doing movies!
Intervewer: And you are looking better than ever Saar! But do tell us why the audience, I mean your Gods, should watch this movie!
Rajni: It has a strong script! There are eight song sequences and four fight sequences, and above all there are the dialogs! I think people should watch the movie for the dialogs! They are as hard hitting as ever!
Interviewer: Lastly Saar, can you please enact one dialog from the film?
Rajni: My name? Rajni - Rajnikanth I SAY!
Applause breaks out from everywhere! The village literally erupts! The only man on stage takes a bow and salutes, Rajni style.
A lungi clad man walks up to the stage with a garland in his hand! He hugs the other man and takes the mike from him and bellows in Tamil!
"Dear brothers and sisters, our Gatekeeper Mani has done a wonderful job! He saw this interview on TV in Chennai two days back, took a bus to the village, and happily accepted our offer to enact it! He not only remembers our beloved Rajni Saar's words but also that of the interviewer's! As a token of appreciation we present him this garland on behalf of the entire village! Here son, wear it!"
Gatekeeper Mani wears the garland proudly and takes another bow. The audience start applauding again! Wait, they're shouting something! What was that?
"Long live Mani! Long live Rajni!"
Mani smiles, looks at the crowd and thinks to himself:
"My name is Mani! Gatekeeper Mani!"
And he does it in his own characteristic style :)
Interviewer: Rajni Saar! It's a pleasure! Today everybody in the studios conducted a pooja and drank kheer for your good health!
Rajni: Oh! Very good! Thank you! I too pray for everybody in the studios and for all the viewers watching nationwide (Flashes a smile, salutes).
*Whistles, applause from the crowd*
Interviewer: Saar, your movie is releasing! Your thoughts on that?
Rajni: Yes. It's that time again! When all my fans, that is, my Gods come to give me their blessings (Raises his hands and acknowledges the heavens). I have always wanted to work for the people! That is why, even at sixty, I never tire doing movies!
Intervewer: And you are looking better than ever Saar! But do tell us why the audience, I mean your Gods, should watch this movie!
Rajni: It has a strong script! There are eight song sequences and four fight sequences, and above all there are the dialogs! I think people should watch the movie for the dialogs! They are as hard hitting as ever!
Interviewer: Lastly Saar, can you please enact one dialog from the film?
Rajni: My name? Rajni - Rajnikanth I SAY!
Applause breaks out from everywhere! The village literally erupts! The only man on stage takes a bow and salutes, Rajni style.
A lungi clad man walks up to the stage with a garland in his hand! He hugs the other man and takes the mike from him and bellows in Tamil!
"Dear brothers and sisters, our Gatekeeper Mani has done a wonderful job! He saw this interview on TV in Chennai two days back, took a bus to the village, and happily accepted our offer to enact it! He not only remembers our beloved Rajni Saar's words but also that of the interviewer's! As a token of appreciation we present him this garland on behalf of the entire village! Here son, wear it!"
Gatekeeper Mani wears the garland proudly and takes another bow. The audience start applauding again! Wait, they're shouting something! What was that?
"Long live Mani! Long live Rajni!"
Mani smiles, looks at the crowd and thinks to himself:
"My name is Mani! Gatekeeper Mani!"
And he does it in his own characteristic style :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Clutter
Poetry is art. An art I've found to be too deep for me. But tonight, at 0044 hours on a Wednesday morning, some happenings have prompted me to resort to it. So, forgive me if it lacks structure and order and all other tosh one must keep in mind while conceiving a poem. Read.
The lens case perched atop unwashed denims,
flaunts its solution from within
the R, white and opaque while L is absconding
the eyes do a pan,
a battered cap steals fancy
A six year association,
revived in a jiffy!
Although the washing powder next to it,
has wiped clean most memories,
the recent ones remain
above the transcript
of the last five transactions.
A journey through my table
is an ordeal barely complete,
but revival and recall
promise retreat!
Badly taped currency,
tangled ear-phones
Kotler, Kelly, Koshy and Jha's Marketing
Pune Times, Wednesday, October 6, 2010
An unkept coat
And a tired mind
I fall into my chair
A tape rewinds as the eyes close
I feel her call,
She nibbles on my toes
She's sick,
Allergic,
her hair's lost,
she's lost her weight
diagnosed with disease
Failing everyday ...
And they snap open!
the case, the cap, the coat and Kotler
we're back again
at our present haven
But the view is new
and all but different
A box, A BOX!
A glowing red +
comes first to my aid
obviously signalling hope!
I forget the disease,
I relive the tiny nibble
I sigh a little,
and hazard a midnight giggle
For it's merely
a journey through my table,
an ordeal barely complete,
but revival and recall
promises retreat!
 |
To Timon,
my beautiful child!
|
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Issued in public interest
Are you unhappy, frustrated and desperate?
Are you sleep deprived, starved and overworked?
Are you from SIMC?
Then tho you're gone!
But, this might come in handy before you go to the grave:
So, ease out a little bit.
Peace out a little bit.
Now and then log off and find yourself, bit by bit!
Are you sleep deprived, starved and overworked?
Are you from SIMC?
Then tho you're gone!
But, this might come in handy before you go to the grave:
So, ease out a little bit.
Peace out a little bit.
Now and then log off and find yourself, bit by bit!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Case Study - Decoding criticism
It's been a week since I posted my last and I've been receiving roller-coaster (read negative) comments for my work. All taken in the right spirit of course (Yah right!). So while I was left pondering whether I should ever sit to write again or just give up the hobby all together, something struck me. The very foundation for the above debate to crop up in my head was this complex beautifully defined word : criticism.
Criticism is the judgement of the merits and faults of the work or actions of one individual by another (the critic). To criticise does not necessarily imply to find fault, but the word is often taken to mean the simple expression of prejudice or disapproval - Wikipedia
How right Wiki! I knew you were smart (:P)
Now, if you're smart you'll observe that I've highlighted all the words that are synonyms for error, mistake, bias, preconception, predisposition, condemnation, displeasure and censure to name a few. I'll tell you why that was done:
My dear friend Akida Wahi had this to say when I asked her to deconstruct my post for me.
I didn't take criticism constructively (God! I hate to admit that!).
So, in today's case study we shall learn how to decode criticism. We shall go through the different frames our mind portrays when criticism is cast through it's walls. Our dear friend Akida Wahi (Yes, again!) was kind enough to plant a comment the last time she was around to check our blog out, thus we'll use it as our example for our study.
So here's how the comment goes :
And here's how our mind functions:
could have been better... - This is pathetic!
none the less a good read... - She's just trying to say something sweet!
a lil clique.... - Clique? Haha, clique.
u r capable of better.. - She's just trying to say something sweet again!
FINAL INTERPRETATION : 2/10 (1 for the time taken to read the piece + 1 for well .. let's just hope he doesn't kill himself)
Kids, above is a very, very common way of looking at criticism. AVOID!
And here's how our mind should actually function:
could have been better... - I knew I could have done better. This is testimony for that!
none the less a good read... - Oh good! At least I could hold the reader's attention!
a lil clique.... - I thought so. I should have perhaps written about this other idea I thought of. It's cliche by the way!
u r capable of better.. - You said it. I SHOULD have done better.
FINAL INTERPRETATION: Final interpretation? Well, you just read this piece. You give me one!
Criticism is the judgement of the merits and faults of the work or actions of one individual by another (the critic). To criticise does not necessarily imply to find fault, but the word is often taken to mean the simple expression of prejudice or disapproval - Wikipedia
How right Wiki! I knew you were smart (:P)
Now, if you're smart you'll observe that I've highlighted all the words that are synonyms for error, mistake, bias, preconception, predisposition, condemnation, displeasure and censure to name a few. I'll tell you why that was done:
My dear friend Akida Wahi had this to say when I asked her to deconstruct my post for me.
'... was bad ... childish ... lost ... but ... thu ...'See the problem? I saw merely the negatives, stormed off a couple of times, argued back a few million times, made faces, made crude jokes, made cruder jokes and didn't get the underlying point.
I didn't take criticism constructively (God! I hate to admit that!).
So, in today's case study we shall learn how to decode criticism. We shall go through the different frames our mind portrays when criticism is cast through it's walls. Our dear friend Akida Wahi (Yes, again!) was kind enough to plant a comment the last time she was around to check our blog out, thus we'll use it as our example for our study.
So here's how the comment goes :
could have been better...none the less a good read...a lil clique....u r capable of better..
And here's how our mind functions:
could have been better... - This is pathetic!
none the less a good read... - She's just trying to say something sweet!
a lil clique.... - Clique? Haha, clique.
u r capable of better.. - She's just trying to say something sweet again!
FINAL INTERPRETATION : 2/10 (1 for the time taken to read the piece + 1 for well .. let's just hope he doesn't kill himself)
Kids, above is a very, very common way of looking at criticism. AVOID!
And here's how our mind should actually function:
could have been better... - I knew I could have done better. This is testimony for that!
none the less a good read... - Oh good! At least I could hold the reader's attention!
a lil clique.... - I thought so. I should have perhaps written about this other idea I thought of. It's cliche by the way!
u r capable of better.. - You said it. I SHOULD have done better.
FINAL INTERPRETATION: Final interpretation? Well, you just read this piece. You give me one!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Independence eh?
Tweets, status updates and text messages all start to roll in. News channels air Lata Mangeshkar's Jana Gana Mana every thirty minutes (Smart ploy that! They're assured of viewership for the fifty-two seconds they manage to incite their audience), Flags seem to fly everywhere and our PM sizes up Chandni Chowk before he triggers off nationwide celebrations.
LONDON LONDON STATUE!
<PAUSE>
We'll let our PM unfreeze though.
We'll allow him to admire Chandni Chowk's dingy streets, the Jama Masjid and the Gurudwara Sisganj.
Beautiful, isn't it?
<He Sighs> Thank you, Mr. PM!
Now we'll give him an ordeal to accomplish. An ordeal unrivaled in difficulty by none other. We'll humbly request him to introspect. Introspect about the marvel that is India, the greatest democracy the world has witnessed.
India, a country that never invaded any other. A country known to have established the first university. A country known to have invented the Ayurveda, the oldest system of medicine known to man. The very same nation that won praise from Albert Einstein for being the country that thought us to count!
Wonderful, isn't it?
It's time to raise the stakes a little higher. Let us now humbly request our PM to introspect on behalf of a billion Indians. Slightly tricky? Ah well ..
We still suffers from deaths due to contaminated water. We are proudly a poacher's paradise. We know 'preparations' for the Commonwealth Games have become synonymous with 'jokes', we cannot protect people in a world heritage railway terminus but let the man behind it stay unscathed for nearly two years, we can boast of seeing sky scrapers here, there and everywhere but cannot provide shelter for those rough hands that build them. We can run away with a respectable GDP but exposed lies our poverty levels like chickenpox boils on a boy's forehead!
We can ... we can't!
Now let us revert our attention back to the bushy face of our revered PM. He seems unmoved on that podium. As he stares up at the Tricolour, he knows all these problems exist, but, smart as he is, he knows the solution as well!
It's simple.
Merely stop gaping at the PM. These are your woes too. This is yours and my country too. Request the PM (humbly) to climb down those red steps of the Lal Qi'lah and ascend them yourself. See yourself as the man introspecting. See yourself making the changes. See for yourself a better sight.
<The PM hoists the flag and proceeds for his annual report>
The place where the PM stood merely moments ago is vacant.
Any takers?
<PAUSE>
We'll let our PM unfreeze though.
We'll allow him to admire Chandni Chowk's dingy streets, the Jama Masjid and the Gurudwara Sisganj.
Beautiful, isn't it?
<He Sighs> Thank you, Mr. PM!
Now we'll give him an ordeal to accomplish. An ordeal unrivaled in difficulty by none other. We'll humbly request him to introspect. Introspect about the marvel that is India, the greatest democracy the world has witnessed.
India, a country that never invaded any other. A country known to have established the first university. A country known to have invented the Ayurveda, the oldest system of medicine known to man. The very same nation that won praise from Albert Einstein for being the country that thought us to count!
Wonderful, isn't it?
It's time to raise the stakes a little higher. Let us now humbly request our PM to introspect on behalf of a billion Indians. Slightly tricky? Ah well ..
We still suffers from deaths due to contaminated water. We are proudly a poacher's paradise. We know 'preparations' for the Commonwealth Games have become synonymous with 'jokes', we cannot protect people in a world heritage railway terminus but let the man behind it stay unscathed for nearly two years, we can boast of seeing sky scrapers here, there and everywhere but cannot provide shelter for those rough hands that build them. We can run away with a respectable GDP but exposed lies our poverty levels like chickenpox boils on a boy's forehead!
We can ... we can't!
Now let us revert our attention back to the bushy face of our revered PM. He seems unmoved on that podium. As he stares up at the Tricolour, he knows all these problems exist, but, smart as he is, he knows the solution as well!
It's simple.
Merely stop gaping at the PM. These are your woes too. This is yours and my country too. Request the PM (humbly) to climb down those red steps of the Lal Qi'lah and ascend them yourself. See yourself as the man introspecting. See yourself making the changes. See for yourself a better sight.
<The PM hoists the flag and proceeds for his annual report>
The place where the PM stood merely moments ago is vacant.
Any takers?
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